This question can be answered with a clear “NO.” It is obviously not biblical to try to lead someone to conversion, and certainly not with the premise of being able to marry that person after repentance and conversion. As we will explain, repentance does not come from the human motivation of third parties, nor from pure self-interest. Repentance can only be initiated by God! After all, marriage is also a reflection of Christ’s relationship with the Church, which requires spiritual unity.
In order to come to repentance, there are two central messages from Christ; one that He personally communicated to the Jews (in John 6:44) when they grumbled about Him; and the other that He responded to Thomas (in John 14:6). Both statements are related. The first says: No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him; and the other says: No one comes to the Father except through Me.
This means that the first impulse to repent, to believe, and to turn to God does not come from man, but that God is the initiator!
It is important to recognize that God never pushes or compels people, as the German Luther Bible 1984 falsely translates Romans 8:14: “For those who are pushed (“treibt”) by the Spirit of God are the children of God.” The German Menge Bible translates it more accurately: “For all who are led by the Spirit of God… (or: allow themselves to be led) are sons of God.” The New Luther Bible 2009 also puts it this way: “For all who allow themselves to be led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.” The majority of the English Bible translations render it correctly: “For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are sons of God” (compare Authorized Version).
“Being led” is not compulsion from God, but an inner calling that is intended to lead people to a movement of conscience, to a longing for the Truth, and to the recognition of guilt for lawlessness toward God’s commandments, which is sin. In this sense, deep repentance is ultimately a great favor or gift from God. Paul makes this statement precisely in 2 Timothy 1:9:
“[He] who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began…”
In this context, it is important to understand that God calls only those today to salvation whom He predestined and chose “before time began.” For more information on this topic, please read our free booklet, “Are You Predestined to be Saved?”
Peter explains in 1 Peter 2:11–12: “… abstain from fleshly lusts which war against the soul, having your conduct honorable among the Gentiles, that … they may, by your good works which they observe, glorify God in the day of visitation.”
Paul also conveys a clear message to all Christians in Ephesians 5:15–17:
“See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is.”
Put together, this results in an important sequence of events: First, God the Father inspires and guides the predestined person towards repentance. The person should respond to this, which opens up the opportunity to come to Christ and the Way to God the Father.
But even this conversion must come from free conviction and repentance before God, not from emotional or interpersonal pressure from another person, or from ulterior motives.
What is the problem with wanting to convert an unbeliever in order to marry him or her?
The problem lies in the different beliefs, which often lead to serious spiritual conflicts, including with family or educational training. As already explained, marriage is a reflection of Christ’s relationship with the Church, which requires spiritual unity. Marriage to an unbeliever is therefore not considered to be in accordance with God’s Will, although existing marriages are of course respected.
Paul, an apostle of Christ, explains in 1 Corinthians 7:12–13:
“But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him.”
But trying to convert an unbeliever in order to marry him or her is by no means biblical!
Paul explains this further in 2 Corinthians 6:14–15:
“Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever?”
Basically, the biblical teaching is expressed in 1 Corinthians 7:39, where Paul explains: “A wife is bound by law as long as her husband lives; but if her husband dies, she is at liberty to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.”
Paul is saying that those who wish to marry should only do so with a believer. Nowhere in the Bible is a believer instructed to seek out an unbeliever for a later marriage, based on one’s own initiative.
Amos asks the question in Amos 3:3: “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?”
The question is: “How can two people walk together if one’s heart longs for God and Jesus Christ, but the other’s is focused on the world?”
God always wanted order, separation, and identity among the nations so that there would be no religious intermingling. These “marriage prohibitions” are clearly grounded in the Bible.
In Deuteronomy 7:2–6, we read about the “warning against fellowship with Gentiles”:
“… You shall make no covenant with them … Nor shall you make marriages with them. You shall not give your daughter to their son, nor take their daughter for your son. For they will turn your sons away from following Me, to serve other gods; so the anger of the LORD will be aroused against you and destroy you suddenly … For you are a holy people to the LORD your God; the LORD your God has chosen you to be a people for Himself, a special treasure above all the peoples on the face of the earth.”
Many examples in the Bible show that marriages between believers and unbelievers are problematic.
Samson is a classic warning example in Judges 14:1–3.
Samson, a man from the people of Israel, of the tribe of Dan, is determined to marry a Philistine woman. His parents protest strongly, as the Philistines were considered uncircumcised, idolaters, and enemies of Israel before God. The problem was their origin, their false beliefs, their moral influence, and the spiritual seduction by the Philistines. This becomes clear later with Delilah (Judges 16), through whom Samson falls into the hands of the Philistines.
Esau also had problems with unbelieving women. In Genesis 26:34–35, it says:
“When Esau was forty years old, he took as wives Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Basemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite. And they were a grief of mind to Isaac and Rebekah.”
Marrying more than one woman was wrong, and in this case, the marriage also violated God’s prohibition against marrying Hittite women (the Hittites were one of the seven nations that God would drive out of the Promised Land).
These women brought idolatry and foreign customs with them, which led to family tensions.
Many other examples in the Bible confirm that marriage between believers and unbelievers is problematic – especially, when someone tries to convert an unbeliever before marriage for the purpose of later marriage.
The Bible clearly shows that marriage is more than physical love or attraction. Spiritual unity is very important.
In conclusion, our free booklet “The Keys to Happy Marriages and Families” says this in the first part, “The Christian Marriage,” on page 2:
“Too many marriages face serious difficulties based on an improper understanding and exercise of the different roles and functions of husbands and wives, ending their relationship in divorce or legal separation. But we are called upon to return to the clear teachings of the Bible to produce happy, healthy, successful Christian marriages. Are we willing to listen to God and actually do what He says?”
Lead Writer: Thilo Hanstein (Germany)
(Initial Translation: Daniel Blasinger)